Chapter 1: An Enigma

Chapter 1: An Enigma I had a close friend once who referred to me as an “enigma”. At the time I wasn’t sure what that was other than a German band who had a really popular New Age song! But it seemed she was not insulting me, so I smiled and played along. Later, I learned an enigma is something that is puzzling – but more so, it is puzzling because there is something present in it that is unexpected. I am a Christian and I will make no bones nor pull any punches regarding that. I believe 100% in the Bible as the word of God. I follow the words of Jesus. I try to live as he would have me to – and I teach others to do the same. It is a huge part of my life. That is not unusual, there are plenty of Christians who also feel and live this way. In the introduction I shared that I also learned there were plenty of others who were AB and DL. What IS unusual is to come upon someone who is both. And where they would will away one, if they could, because it makes it very hard to live the other – but again and again they learn that it is part of who they are. It’s not going to go away. I struggled with that through my teen years and through my 20s. Not only personally, but others who knew about my identity did not see it as identity, but rather as a fetish. And if it was a fetish it was something that did not need to be done. It was a choice. And they decided that my choices were wrong, even though they never lived them. Like thousands of others, I learned to hide it. I still live that way, because there are those on one side who do not, will not, and don’t even want to understand the other. Incidentally, if you didn’t take the time to really think about what I just said – it applies to BOTH sides! Some Christians respond to anything different in ways Christ NEVER would have! It is hateful. On the other hand, sometimes those who are different have hardened and will lash out first – they don’t want to know the Christian way either. It is undeniable that one side will try to hurt the other – and that’s going to hurt me EITHER way. The two ideas do not have to be separate, but some people will always see it that way. The LG (Little Girl) part of me will forever be protected by the Guardian part of me – so that guardian will step in as needed to shield and protect the little girl. If that means hiding her, then she must be hidden. All the same, she does not hide easily. She wants to, as she puts it, play in the sun. She could not spend her life looking out windows, hidden from view. She wants to be in the sunlight, and sometimes, be in the SPOTlight! What’s the point of existence otherwise? So she will always look for the ways to be in view … a version of safety, but a version of openness. It’s a fine line to tread. It’s an enigma. Sometime in my 30s, I was approached by Mary Beth Sanford to write a paper about being both Christian and a little, and how those things went together. It was to be posted jointly, on both our websites, which were at the time the two largest sites online dedicated to our particular flavor. It was thought that we would be able to show a united front. I did a lot of research and did write that article, and we both had it posted. Ironically, it was posted very shortly before I was doxxed, but we’ll get to that. I believe the timing of that was divinely directed, so that although God would not stop the doxxing, he made sure my faith would stand firm when it did happen.

The conclusion I came to then, refined with time to this today: God doesn’t care whether you wear boxers or briefs or panties or diapers. He has much bigger concerns and wants you to be focused on solving much bigger things than your choice of underwear. When we convince ourselves that God is concerned about these little things, we dishonor God by implying he is petty. Thus I was able to get past the worrying for my own part, but that doesn’t mean others get it. If anything, after a short push toward inclusion, it seems things are further apart than ever before. So, for now, Kitty remains shared only with her friends.